Will This Be on the Test? Transcripts
Episode 14: Christmas Extravaganza! Why Christmas is December 25, U.S. History of Christmas, The Yule Lads, and a Poop Log
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Hi, everybody, this is Mattie,
this is Austin.
And we are Will This Be On the Test the podcast where we tell you all the things you should have learned in school but you didn't learn
for whatever reason whether they didn't teach it, or you weren't paying attention in class like it was me.
I paid way too much attention in class and I still come across so many things, especially in history
that I never learned. And these are podcasts talk about those things, because we learned as adults and it's crazy. Why are we treating this?
Like it's the first episode? I don't know. We forgot what we were doing.
Or maybe you need reminders. We're here for you.
Who am I?
I stole a loaf of bread
five years for what you did the rest of because you tried to run?
I don't remember the rest of these lyrics to do Phantom instead.
no, of course not. Or can we do cats?
I am so excited to see it looks like one of the worst things that Ever Happened to cinema?
Yeah, real bad.
And they after the first preview, text quote unquote the fake stuff which I mentioned last time as being definitely not true and a marketing gimmick they're doing it again they've already released the movie and are releasing an update now from what I understand that's not uncommon, but for them to redo the CGI about 3000 cats faces Something tells me this is a an attempt to get people to see it twice.
I don't care i'm see this movie because I love movies like the room and everything Nicolas Cage's ever done and this movie is pulling it all of the right strings for me and my love of awful movies that no one should ever watch.
That said, I read a really good series of tweets. I wish I could remember who it was. I read them aloud to you it was how cats may be bad but that's only if you've never seen Starlight Express
the trains on roller skates as my child
Yes, and that child seems weirdly obsessed with the training sex lives. He probably should call CPS and see what's going on in that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.
I've seen this show. I blocked it out of my mind afterwards and you know me if I was thinking kind of extravaganza on rollerskates there is no way I should have blocked that out.
Oh, man, this must be really bad because you remember that community theater production of cats in vivid detail.
I really, really do. Community theaters. You shouldn't do cats. I love you. I think community theater is in many ways better than professional theater. Yes, there are some shows that don't belong at the community theater level. Yeah, cats is good because of the tech and unless you've been extremely well funded community theater which is great for you. It's not possible to pull off in a reasonable situation. Well, we are heading into the Christmas week, which means that the insanity is of course begun
insanity begun before Halloween this year.
Oh, it was it's, it's crazy.
It's crazier every year.
And of course, that means that we're heading into the multitude of Christmas celebrations that my family holds. We're going to our first one tonight and we've got two or three more in the pipe. Yeah, but there was there always just something else. And,
you know, everyone's everywhere. They are very memorable.
Yeah, everyone though. Awesome. How did you put it everybody? There seems to be having a good time in the end.
Well, because we're going into this holiday. We both have prepared holiday related things, Christmas related things to be honest, because that's what we know. But these are things that we didn't know about. This holiday we grew up celebrate
is quite literally Hanukkah right now. And we're doing Christmas.
I know. But at the same time, since we don't come from that background, it's kind of harder to find funny things in other religions. Yeah.
You know, it's like looking at I was like, look at that. Then making jokes. This isn't Quite right
yeah, like this is being self deprecating because we grew up with Christmas. Yes as did 90% of Americans which I will get into Oh, so I'm going first this week. I started out by just researching how Christmas became December 25. So Christmas as you probably know in most of the world is December 25. We can't go change people's birthdays after all. So it has December 25 it's always been December 25 has to be December 25. I mean ifwe could change it, everybody had a birthday and then a month of Christmas would change their birthday.
Oh my God, if I could change my birthday to any day. I would make it the Fourth of July because I've always had the day off. And I could make a day more about me and less about our country because I mean, come on people.
It would be really funny though. If you if you went to the parade that goes in front of our literal house and you held up a sign saying it's my birthday gives me candy it just to see how good of a hall we get. Kids Get everything
Yeah, they do. Like there's one bias like disdainfully. It's like Hello, we're inconveniencing you for an entire morning.
We've actually been cussed out by people in the parade. But that's a whole other topic. So hopefully most of you know that December 25, was almost definitely not actually Jesus's date of birth.
I was aware that wasn't his actual day of birth. It was like spring time, I want to say,
Well, many scholars believe that Jesus's birthday was in the spring or in the fall, okay. This is because of the evidence that comes directly from the Bible. For instance, the most basic piece of evidence there were shepherds out sheep herd in do they tend to do that in the winter often.
I mean, I don't know. I don't know much about what's going on in Bethlehem. I don't know what the climate is cold,
it's winter. It's cold,
it's winter. Maybe Oh, okay.
shepherds tend to do their work. In the warmer months. During the cold months, the sheep are corralled into one area so they're easier to keep an eye on and it's easier for them to stay warm. When they're huddled in a group, she are very smart, the Golden Bell by James George Frazier and anti apologist in 1890. It's considered one of the best resources for why we celebrate on December 25. He argued that the date was chosen to quote transfer the devotion of evens from the sun to him who was called the son of righteousness and actually during a lot of this sun in terms of Jesus was spelled Sun and like new light in the day. So they were taking kind of their traditions around that same time and trying to move them from their worship of sun related things to Son of God related things.
So this is since this obviously works with like tricks trying to be cool, and it has a really bad pun based a thing. That's historically accurate.
Another piece of evidence against this being Jesus's actual birthday is that Mary and Joseph were traveling for the census when they got stuck at the outside of the end. They'll be Don't know when the synthesis was, it was likely during either Passover or I'm going to pronounce this wrong. I'm sorry, I don't speak Hebrew. Second to sukkot. Passover is a misprint said it kind of forgot to write down what it was, I think it was in the fall. Those were times when a lot of Jewish people would be traveling to Jerusalem anyway, they wouldn't try to get all of these impoverished people from all over the world to try to travel a completely separate time just for a census. So anyway, speaking of senses, do your senses stuff. It's important. Another possibility for second second, I'm so sorry. Is that people lived outside and temporary shelters during that holiday. Do you remember those who lived in the desert for 40 years, when they said that there was no room at the end? It could have literally meant that they were not having rooms at the end in celebration of this events. You were expected to sleep outside.
Wow. So basically, it wasn't like Joseph was bad at travel and didn't work Israel ahead of time. Possibly. Wow.
My gosh, she's Expedia, what are you doing? I think not even have the internet I know. And then finally the Star of Bethlehem would have been most likely show up and either the springball there are a lot of other pieces of evidence, but I won't go into all of them. Christmas itself didn't exist until the third century, as in 300 years after his birth. Another side note he was likely born about four bc so four years before he was born, was when he was born.
But anyway, birthday must be so confusing. And also like Molly Ringwald, they missed her 16th birthday. And she was very upset. They missed like Jesus is like first two 300 or I guess negative for your 300th birthday.
Okay, do you think his birthday though is like kids of divorce where he gets to have one with one family than one with his other dad.
Okay, I don't know how the Holy Trinity works, but I assume that means he gets three birthdays.
It depends on which religion you follow. Actually there are some in which the Trinity is separate except the Father, Son, the Holy Ghost separate entities, but then in religions like holism they're all the exact same thing which I went to Catholic school. I still don't understand
it. That sounds like an excuse just to buy him one birthday present.
I know. And Austin, you got a birthday and your Christmas. you've dealt with that.
Yeah. It's like we're combining
them this year. It's like, cool. That's great. If it's something you
Like if you're getting let's, let's say something that's 500 bucks. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Go ahead and combine things. Hell, I've had things combined for Christmas and my birthday before and they're months apart because it was a bigger thing and I'm on board. But if you're getting a pair of socks, oh to
buy two socks.
Sorry, I thought you liked my presence. I love socks.
Okay as an adult socks are the best present and
underwear manager. Children
don't know how good they have it.
Their socks are so much cooler than ours. I've got
my bed. might say bad words on them.
Yeah, but for us to get a cool pair of socks as an adult
for the much money on a cool pair of socks.
So where was it? until the third century, the Epiphany was the nearest major holiday. The epiphany basically means that when God was revealed as a deity through Jesus's existence to the measure are the three wise men. So the Epiphany is when the Weizmann show up, basically, and they're like, Oh, look, it's God. So if we say that Jesus was born on December 25, he piscotty is on January six, that means that they had to hang out in that manger for two weeks,
I guess, like maybe the hotels were all booked. Maybe that was the only room and there's hanging out with his family. It's like with you this that Halo rather kid, and all of these shepherds, and that Angel who's holding a star above us,
and that she hasn't moved in two weeks is it?
And if you're anything like my family, and you replaced baby Jesus and His manger with various Lego figures,
just so 25th was first recorded as the Christmas holiday in 336 seeeeee. And as is the legend, it was likely to coincide with the pagan holidays that happened at that time, basically to say to the pagans, look, we're not that different, but we will kill you if you don't convert. So, hopefully Julius the first pick December 25. They originally called it the feast of the Nativity, and though it spread as far as Egypt, within the next hundred or so years, it didn't meet England until the late 1600s or Scandinavia where we have the most baller Christmas
until the eighth century, making up for lost time.
Prior to the Scandinavians getting it. They had a celebration called Yule that started on December 21. And they burned a log several logs but they were like a main log I guess. They burn the log and then they basically eight non stop until it burned out which could take an average of 12 days but the cool belief they had with This is that every spark that came off of the log was going to be a new calf or pig that would be born that year. Whoo. I love that kind of stuff.
This is what is a wonderful holiday tradition. It's got fire. It's got food. It's got potential
pigs. So it's the fourth of July. Yeah. The real reason awesome was his birthday. There's because of all the pigs, all the barbecue already to 50 wild hogs.
That's why we have so many ar 15 doc filed at every door in this
house. And as a guy, we do not have any ar 15
but we don't make ar 15 kind of money.
I mean, don't criminals just steal them.
Those are expensive hobby toys for grown ass men. These are gun collecting is Barbies for lonely, sad adults.
And that's coming from a gun owner. Yeah, but they are not ar 15. Honestly, they probably couldn't do a lot of damage unless they're, they couldn't do a lot of damage in terms of number of people because you get tackled before you can reload. Yes. Like from the 1740s or something. Yeah, they were they were he used to go hunting anyway, they used it to coincide with Saturnalia, which was a pagan festival held in mid December in honor of their agricultural God which shockingly with Saturn. It started as a one day event but became a real week long the festival starting December. That's not right involved in December 25, which was halfway through. Now Christmas is known for its greenery. It's a candlelight spirit of togetherness. That's what Saturnalia was. They hung these wreaths and other similar plants. They were bright colored clothing, and they didn't allow their slaves to work. And in fact, some of them have their slaves eat at the head of their table and be surviving. Ooh. Which is nice and clear over the fact that there are 364 other days in there. And then they also party like crazy. And they gave gifts like candles which we still will not still really but if you look at pictures from like the 1940s candles are everywhere. I mean,
there's fire there's still candles everywhere. Yeah. If you don't know what to get your mother or mother in law,
interesting candle, if you've got a friend who is a middle or high school girl, you don't know what to get the candle.
If it's like your first Christmas with your girlfriend and you're not totally sure what you should get her, get her candle,
get her fragrant jewels. Yes, actually don't do that on the first Christmas because it has rings in it and that is going to
go real bad don't get her.
Another reason that December 25 was chosen may have been that people believe that Jesus was born and died on the same day. The Annunciation a celebration of the day Mary was told that she has a 14 year old was going to have to pop out a kid is celebrated on March 25, which is exactly nine months before December 25. Although pregnancies not even exactly nine months. I think it's like nine and a half. I I know
there's some wiggle room in there.
If it like if you're full term. I think it's my mouth. So Jesus was born early. That said some people think the crucifixion was on April. So for him to have been born and died in the same day, he would have had to be born in April and we're also celebrating enunciation on the wrong day. And the thing is the Bible itself in the book of john, it says that Jesus was crucified when the Passover lambs were being slaughtered. Passover is in April. So I don't know really where we're getting any visits from. At this point, I got no idea. It may also be related to the fact that Jesus was Jewish and Hanukkah is also celebrated in this time of year. Side note, like I mentioned, I went to Catholic school, and I went there for seventh and eighth grade, and an eighth grade, one of my teachers mentioned that Jesus was Jewish. You think that Catholic school kids would move us but the amount of shock in the room? I still don't get it. Like, I didn't know Jesus was Jewish, but I hadn't gone
to Catholic school. I mean, it's like most things. It's like, Oh, yeah, I guess he was because he just yet Jesus was Jewish. Just don't it's like a logical disconnect. That was quite a few. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. But that's something you think would have been mentioned. Before eighth grade and a Catholic school, otherwise it would have meant that Jesus worshiped himself which goes against to the teachings of Jesus, which are like, Well, I'd be nice to other people.
Yeah, theologies. We're
Like, of course, we're talking about how our theology is is but you asked me a Pokemon question I fucking jail.
Now even with all of this, it's worth noting that Christmas is not universally celebrated on December 25. In places where orthodox and Coptic churches are common, they still use the Julian calendar making Christmas generous than other places celebrated on relatively similar days including parts of the UK who continue their original January six celebrations calling it old Christmas and a lot of it comes down to the last 12 Days of Christmas. Because every 12 Days of Christmas was the original thing. It wasn't a slow day. It is also the worst Christmas song, how many goddamn cartridges the need and where They get these maids and milking because that means that there are all these girls that you have, I assume, and slaves and all these cows and
all of these Lords like you have like gotten the nobility involved.
Well, that's kind of where Christmas is. It's pretty short, like I said, but I thought it was interesting. So it's a little short. I'm going to go into the history of United States Christmas now, okay. In the United States, the pilgrims did not celebrate it. The Puritans did not celebrate it. The Puritans did not celebrate it for a variety of reasons. One is that birthdays themselves were pagan celebrations. Because to celebrate birthdays, is to kind of make yourself a fight a false idol situation. The traditions in Christmas were also pagan, which is true, and the Bible itself doesn't support the date. They just wanted some facts. Then after the American Revolutions, American stop celebrating it because it was a British holiday and fuck the British
will end up presence on a
different day. Please, we didn't have a Money for presence we learn remember what we learned about those continental dollars that the government made people buy and then stole from them. Yet there was no money for presence unless you were Timothy Dexter.
And he would never pay anybody at present.
So it wasn't until the early 1800s that Americans really started to celebrate it. During the Civil War. The holiday was actually a day off from the fighting. After the war, there was shockingly continuing unrest. People were not especially happy that, you know, they weren't allowed to own other people anymore, or that they'd had to fight against their own loved ones. It was just a bad time. And then when things finally started, like calm down a little bit, the KKK showed up. Ulysses S Grant comes in. So grant kept trying to find ways to unite the country, and he started pushing for Christmas celebrations. He believed that having Christmas exists would be a really good way to get people together. My stupid phone deleted the date, but I believe it was in 1870 that he made it a federal holiday up until that point, either Like Senate had a meeting on December 25. It wasn't a holiday in any way. The celebrations combined a mix of Irish, Austrian polish and Belgian traditions for the most part, but of course there are ones that were unique to their own cultures. I found people of all religions who celebrate Christmas like
and backgrounds and everything I was reading this thing apparently in Japan it is a big thing to get KFC and celebrate Christmas American style That's awesome. And but it was like a huge waiting list you have to get you like KFC meal or in way ahead of time. It's like it's a it's almost like fancy KFC there. If sees one of those things that I forget exists and when I have it, it makes my fucking day. So last time I had KFC it was the one that's like it was the one down in Gardner.
Unknown Speaker 19:45
And I got violently no that's not the last year my mom said come over.
Oh yeah, that's right. That's good.
Everything that's over again itself. So today, it's becoming more and more and more secular. And it's a holiday about togetherness family process. Modern Chris really started in the post where post war era of 1946 to 1964. This is when all of those like really amazing Christmas movies were made, except for I think, A Christmas Story for later, but that movie bothers me. We began to figure out what foods we were going to eat what how we were going to decorate all of that. We also begin making our own ornaments during this time, because we previously relied on Germany for all of that first White House Christmas card was sent up by Eisenhower in 1953. And this is kind of cool. He actually was an artist, and he worked with Hallmark to create the design. And then when Kennedy became president Jackie Kennedy's own artwork was on the cars.
It was really cool. mall Santa sort of showing up
and NORAD tracking set of Santa's sleigh began in 1955. That was like one of my favorite things as a kid I loved watching the news and I remember back before they had it as you know, big ass like it was a little like radar dot. I love that I looked at so much more than this way because normally we'll just have a little later. God Yeah, it's neat. You know how that started? How did that start?
It's so cool. It was an accident. Really?
Yeah. In 1955. A, there was an advertisement in a Colorado Springs newspaper encouraging kids to call students on the phone. They had a typo in the phone number and had them calling you know, or as it was called, then the Continental air defense and they got ahold of a guy named Colonel Harry shoot. Now, parachute critical because to back off, he could have just started hanging out with his boys come on, but instead, he told all of his dispatchers to start updating the kids on where Santa was. And so three years later became an official thing and they've done it ever since. I love that.
It's like a nice little wholesome history thing we never get is always Pliny the Elder peeing on someone or genocide.
So thanks for that Harry shoot, because that's still like bringing a lot of joy even I still enjoy it today.
Yeah, me too. And I am a jaded, jaded man.
He gets colon stocking every year. I say bah humbug.
Ironically, this time of year out of nowhere, it's like
oh, thing is he doesn't he actually has a christmas playlist. And it's Christmas music, which I was not expecting
it to be here. There is one rule, and it's no Mariah Carey, but all she wants for Christmas
is you, Austin.
I know. And that's so creepy. It's like, go away. Mariah Carey.
So let's get into some more modern things. According to a 2017 Pew survey, 90% of Americans celebrate Christmas. Well, Wikipedia says that only 65% of Americans are Christian. Only 46% of those people though, celebrated as a religious holiday. Shockingly, Millennials were the most likely to say they didn't celebrate it as a religious holiday. Though we hear all of these horrors of people going How do you say Happy holidays? You're killing Christmas. Oh my god. Remember when they had the red cup at Starbucks instead of it saying Jesus and stuff? Yeah, I was there. Like, I think there are 27 other holidays this month or something just be cool. Yeah, be cool. I actually never said Happy holidays or Merry Christmas unless somebody said it's me personally. Yeah, retail. I told them to have a nice day.
Yeah. Whenever I would really come and say Merry Christmas, I'd respond to pre Christmas. Happy Holidays. I would respond with Happy Holidays. I would never initiate.
I got a lot of happy maracas and I'm like you too. That's great. Yeah. So in reality 52% according to that Pew survey, say they don't give a shit what people say to them. 32% said they really wanted me Christmas and 15% work was comfortably general holiday greeting. So most people don't care what you say. It's just a very loud minority that also made it so that homework pulled commercials, your
homework, get your shit together. They did get their shit together. And they realized that by pulling like, stupid hallmark, I go into it, but I won't.
Yeah. And then so you still see religious symbols like nativity scenes on government property. 26% of people say the Do not want that under any circumstances. 29% so this is now over 50% of the population say they're fine with it as long as they do the same for other religious celebrations. So if you have an activity scene, you should also have a menorah there. So to wrap up here, a few fun Christmas decorations in the United States, okay. In many places, you can do various local popular everyday activities like rock climbing or boating with Santa in Wisconsin, they eat your favorite food instead of turkey or ham.
Oh my god, okay, for those of you who don't know a little hisk is it is a Scandinavian preserved fish, which doesn't use much salt. They use light to pickle Cod. And then because life is toxic, they have to soak it and get all that poison out of there. And it turns it into this kind of fish jello.
Austin has tried it. I have not. I tell I will try anything. I he got me to try pickled herring which was
like oh, Local Area
Welcome to have it I just won't be.
The only place I can find is a Costco and it's like a gallon of pickled herring
in California. There's a Laguna Niguel surf surfing Santa's competition, which is exactly what it sounds like. And apparently in Kansas City, Missouri, playing the tuba is a grand tradition. tuba Christmas.
Okay, we have lived here for decades between us. This is the first I've heard about to be Christmas
I've heard of to the Christmas I didn't know it was a thing and apparently there's up to 500 tuba players involved. That's a one or two players.
This is like on Christmas is something you can go to I think so. Yeah.
And I the picture I saw at least one of them was dressed the same for playing the tuba.
Oh my god like that Doctor Who episode? Which one, the one where it's Christmas. And they've got the robotic Santa with missile firing too, because
it'd be so much cooler verse fired missiles.
So clearly I need to learn how to play the tuba. I used to dress up as robot Santa and I need to construct a missile. Oh no.
The NSA is really listening in today. My personal favorite that I would actually like to engage in is in Great River Road Louisiana, where they have giant bonfires along the Mississippi that are supposed to help guide Santa. Oh, I love it. I love it so much. Another cool one is in Mystic Seaport Connecticut, where they put an interactive play loosely based on A Christmas Carol and people are led through the streets by actors who are carrying lantern thing. And then here's the terrifying to me and Mobile, Alabama. Okay, people dress up as elves for alpha Palooza, and do all kinds of elf related activities. Thousands of fucking elves. Oh, the most elves though, in a single location is a record held by held by people in Bangkok. And then for you, Austin. This one's just for you more so than for me because I know that you don't actually like living in Delaware. There is a very large Swedish population and they still celebrate and believe in tomten they are little spirits that were in most traditions mischievous and even vengeful. But now they're kind of jolly, you know, like, they'll end up and so kids leave out milk for them in exchange for gifts. Oh, this, you know,
this is so nice because I also heard about a horrifying Christmas tradition this week. That happens in America. It's called Santa con. Oh no, it's where a bunch of adult men dress up as Santa and get wasted and like lay waste to the city of New York.
Like I know there are legitimate Santa conventions that are people like mall Santa who go and learn how to answer better. I cannot wait until you go great because you will be such a good family. I've already jolly
I love I actually enjoy really, really likes kids. They're disgusting. And I like this way. It's like Oh, cool. This gross kid that I don't like I can just put up with for a minute and then get this cavalcade of adorable ones.
Yeah, and he does have already a very full length. His beard, but most people focus on their own personal family traditions. My favorite for my family is my brother and I go stop shopping for my mom's stocking. See, when we were kids, my dad did a lot of the work, but he died when I was 12. My brother was 10. So we, I remember, I don't think it was the next Christmas because everything was still a blur, but maybe the Christmas after we realized that nobody was going to have a stocking for mom. And that made us look, we didn't know what to do cuz we couldn't drive yet. We probably got my grandma to drive us. And so we started it. We've been doing that for 20 years now, I guess.
Wow. Oh, she got some really good stuff this year. I got to see some of it. She is gonna love it.
Like every single year when we're in the same city anyway, we get together to buy all of her stocking stuffers and we get so many the entire mantle just ends up covered. And we randomly got her a pair of slippers one year and she really loved her so we get her pair of a year, but we couldn't just get normal slippers that were actually useful. Why would you ever do that? We try to up the game every year. My favorite so far is this pair. Like there's feet like bear paws with the claws on them. I can't share the one from this year, but I really like it. This comes up for Christmas, though.
I do. One of my family traditions. And this is this is just a weird random one that was started by my grandpa when we would go to church on Christmas Eve. And they always have like that candlelit thing where like, everyone would light a candle and sing Silent Night. Well, Grandpa Wayne wouldn't wait for the guy to come by with the candle lighter, he would find his lighter and start offering it to people. is the whole point to show you like one community? Yeah. As a joke, and then to continue this my sister and I, every Christmas. We bring a lighter with us and we just like you know, it's like a mom like that.
I never got to meet your grandpa Wayne. It makes me sad.
He was he was a character.
What was it you said about him that he would he was he had one arm? Yeah, he had one arm and he would be Drive while drinking coffee smoking a cigarette and waving at you at the same time. And it was a manual transmission.
Yeah, it's I wish I was exaggerating, but I've been in the truck where he did that and it's, it was impressive. He'd like to hurt you and somehow is still like able to turn the car while doing all of this. It was mostly magic.
And this is a PSA, guys. Don't have your arm out the car window.
Yeah, that's my grandpa Wayne made it through World War Two. He got a Purple Heart for some shrapnel. But when he made it back to America, he was driving along with his arm hanging out the window and he got sideswiped and lost it so kids don't leave your arms hanging out the window.
I was an arm hanger until I got with Austin and he would get really nervous and he wouldn't tell me why at first. It was like it's like that's the kind of thing you're supposed to tell someone. Yeah, this makes me nervous because and then it's up to them whether or not they changed the habit. But now I mostly drive with the car window closed anyway, which is probably good considering the car accident we got into because otherwise my neck was Snap real hard. Yeah. But that's a whole other thing. Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah. You ready for your questions? I'm ready for some questions. So these are Will This Be On the Test? You don't have to answer them will the fact that Jesus was likely born in the fall or the spring The on the test? Of course,
that's really confusing.
Yeah, I feel like most of these tests would be just a general history of Christmas, which they still do in school. Anyway. Well, the fact that Christmas was made a federal holiday to help men to the north and south to the test.
Yes, I like that faceted fact.
Well, better than why Thanksgiving became a holiday It wasn't me
or why it became the holiday it is is related to the Civil War. So like, that is like history test.
Oh, I'm really surprised. I never learned that actually. In school. I didn't even learn about that. Christmas Day truth, which is not Civil War. It was it was world war one over one where people on both sides stop fighting for the day and like had snowball fights and gave presence and then had to fight again. Well, the fact that 90% of Americans celebrate Christmas despite only 65% being Christian. On the
test Oh no, because if that, that very vocal portion of like a 30% it gets really bad about people saying Happy Holidays here is that they'll throw a fit. They're taking our holiday. They've already ruined Christmas.
It's funny, it's like you don't even want them to celebrate Christmas is not like the gateway drug to Christianity. You get presents and candy and
lutefisk and Oh, okay. You don't give them a Luna fest to convince them to go to Christianity. You give them little fest to convince them to stand Wisconsin.
So that is a couple of different historical things about Christmas. What do you have for us? Well, I'm
glad you segue into talking about like learning about Christmas in schools because I remember in school we learn like all of these like Christmas celebrations that were different than what we did in other countries. Like how in France, they don't call him Santa. He's called Father Christmas. And how in the Netherlands they don't leave out stockings for Santa. They leave out wooden shoes that get chocolates and oranges in them.
I love it. I know people who do that are not from that area because it's just so cute
yet so like all these little cute little things. However, since we're on the topic of Netherlands, no, we did not learn about black Peter. In elementary school.
I actually had a friend kind of explain it to me, because my first reaction upon seeing it was Oh, damn. But it comes down to the fact that the most of the rest of the world does not have the blackface connotations. It is not based on any kind of thing like that. It is completely separate. So if you see people talking about the black sort of black Peter, I think it's much better. If you see we'll talk about that shooting images of that. They're not talking about blackface. They're not talking about minstrel shows. They're not saying Hey, that was a great idea. It's a completely different culture. So leave them alone
in the course you know that modern in modern times you learn all about the Krampus because he has gotten real popular.
Awesome. What has a Krampus slitter in the Krampus Mini.
It's true. I'm painting him right now he's got a bundle of sticks and a toothy grin. Perfect for eating children.
And let's not forget, Dwight shoots favorite. What was it a nickel? nickel, which
Unknown Speaker 34:23
is probably real to it's all Yeah, bell Schickel is Oh my god, they're
one of my favorite things to ever teach was fairy tales and folk tales and stuff from that part of the world is the
bomb. Well, this week, we're going to talk about the country that took all of these like Christmas monsters, and cranked it up to 11. Are you gonna be talking about my brother? We're gonna be talking about Iceland and your brother. Okay, so we're gonna, we're gonna get this started off with the mama of all these monsters, gorilla, the giantess or Obrist, or troll who lives in the mountains and eats children. Yeah. So originally she was just a beggar who lived in the hut, who would come in town in the town and ask parents for disobedient children so she could eat them. And you could get rid of her just by giving her food or just like asking her to go away.
This is such a common thing in other cultures and not just Scandinavia.
yeah, so not just that part of the world but other parts to like, there. I read something about an Asian company but also spiritual to not go in the ocean person with some more thing. Of course in America like that's child abuse, it works and they don't grow up scared of the ocean. They eventually you know, go into fishing like a lot of people in their culture do.
So that was originally it. But she got more and more monsters as time goes by. First of all, she got kicked out of her huts, and now she lives in a cave. She can now sense disobedient children.
So she was a teacher.
Yes, she carries them off innocent. Boyles them alive in a stew. She has an insatiable hunger but is never short of bad kids to eat. She also has had several husbands when she gets bored with them she does killing eat them.
Are they like young husbands
though these are like other like overs and giants, okay. And of course, as historian said, I guess she was Iceland's first feminist good for and of course she's had dozens of unnamed kids with all of these various husband. She didn't have kids. Maybe they don't really talk about them. But she does have her her current husband nefa Luffy. He's a lazy of that Graciela just abuses constantly and greats to the father of her most her most famous 13 children that you will lads. I love the new lads. She was that always associated with just Christmas. She kind of became like the year round like Boogie woman of Iceland. Every time a child or this behave or anything really Two children, or just everything or if you just wanted the scary kid because you're feeling me at the time. She was involved, as you said the general threat for all occasions. I love it. I love it. Yeah, let me read you this trailer
elf on the shelf is in December for us.
You let me read you this translated poem from the 13th century. Down comes gorilla from the far fields with 40 tails, a bag on her back, a knife in her hands, coming to carve out the stomach's of children who cry for me during lens. I'm imagining Dwight schrute reading that. Yeah, I was channeling a little bit of white energy.
I'll tell you the Lutherans don't have lunch, right.
We do we care a little bit less about it. Yes, you
Catholics, we have lens. And it used to be you couldn't eat meat at all during Lent. But now it's just you can't eat meat on Fridays. And my family didn't observe that until I went to Catholic school. And then only I observed that because I was in Catholic school. It was hard. But did you know that Kathy bars are coming soon. fish in parts of the world and allowed eaten during lunch.
Yeah, that makes sense.
sense. So apparently anything's in the water. It's a fish and that's why she was able to eat the children during Lent
knew it. Well, I mean, grandma's not Catholic. Well,
she's mad about lens,
but she's just mad about children who are being whiny. And of course, like all terrified old women. She also had a cat. This was gonna Mangle this one, but it's, you'll put her in the you will cats originally, this cat was just a reminder for you to process all of your role for new clothes for Christmas, or else this cat's going to show up and eat your food. You know, it's like not awful,
but that we have a cat that just shows up and eats your food awesome. was eating a sausage sick yesterday and all of a sudden our cat liked him. Yeah,
yeah. It's like he was current so loud.
Dude. He still smells like sausage and
he showed up on the bed last night and just stood over you learing will say the softest material for later because we're going to get into Oh no, but this is Iceland. He got here. terrifying. Now it's a cat that will eat anyone who isn't wearing new clothes on Christmas. And because parents are evil new clothes were given to kids who have finished their chores. Love it. I love it. So let me let me break this down. Let's say for instance, little Jonathan. I guess that's a Icelandic sounding name right? I have no idea didn't finish his chores. So he's not going to get these new socks. Your cat sees that you're not wearing new socks and eats your dinner. Which translates to your parents will give you dinner, you go to bed and your feet are cold because you're not wearing new socks. You're hungry. And you spend the entire night in existential dread that a giant cat is coming to you. So you better believe that little yonathan is taking out the garbage next time. That little shit we should start
that in our house awesome.
Be well, or you have a yoga did in the sink again and that you will cat is coming for you.
I have gotten so much better about leaving you think I'm very proud
of you my threats of your cats of words. I've just been throwing, I've been throwing fezzik I heard yelling you'll get.
It's impressive because physically but 300 pounds.
It's true. It's like a shotput. I've given some major upper body workouts. We're going to go on to my favorite part of this. And the one part you actually have heard before, and it's the you will ads. These are her 13 adult sons who get up to mischief before Christmas. So let me introduce the Yule cat songs right now. These are gracilis please the young cats just her cat. These are her just her creepy adult sons that haven't moved out yet. Just like in the musical cats. I'm going to spend a huge amount of time introducing a bunch of people with weird names and we're gonna
do we get to kill one of them and be happy about it at the end.
I mean, I feel like we kill a lot of you very happy about it. Okay, let's start off with a sheep coat cloth. He harasses sheep, but is impaired by his stiff peg legs. So he's chasing around sheep but he's got peg leg so he's not very good at it. Then there is going goc he hides and goalies and waits to steel mill From the cow shed their stubby, stubby stubby. There was a weird newspaper article about her mother that implied that she'd had five children. It didn't imply that if she had had five children, she only had two.
It was an article she was nominated. Maybe she won. I can't remember sorry, mom, a teaching award. And they did this piece on her and they're like a single mother of five children. Which turned to my brother and me going, wait, we have siblings. what's what's what I asked why still the oldest and she said no. My brother and I invented one than the other two are God but study remains and it gets real, real offensive study is not unlike the one with the peg legs. Yeah, yeah, little stubby arms, but he has a hand that sticks out of his chest. And when the weather is nice, he's chained up in the backyard. But there when the weather is not nice, he gets locked in the face. That will talk about the real slumpy he's really short. And you see pants to eat the crush left on them.
That's our stuff he does too. Then we get to spoon liquor he steals and licks wooden spoons, and he is known for being very skinny and malnourished.
Well Bali gets to eat with left on spoons
and wooden spoons too. So then there's pot scraper. He basically steals your leftovers. He grabs pots to eat leftovers to this bowl Nikkor who waits under your bed for you to put down your bowl so he can steal it.
That's why you don't meet in your bedroom.
In your bed. That's where bootlicker shows up. Then there's door slammer, who slams doors, especially at night to wake people up. Then there's one of my favorites skier gobbler, he just loves yogurt,
so I bet he leaves his sleeves in the sink too.
Yeah, maybe he maybe he's the one that's been doing that it is before Christmas. That yogurt was just here gobbler playing his Christmas pranks. Where was I? Oh, then there's sausage swiper he hides in the rafters to steal your sausages. I guess
the bachlin sausages were hanging from the rafters Yeah,
window paper up In your windows looking for things this deal doorway sniffer. He has a big nose and he uses it to hunt for his favorite food. Least bread or its loaf of bread. It's kind of a like a multi layered cake thing. Oh, it's like a bunch of pancake stuff stacked on each other with all these kind of saw a picture of it in the brief description I've ever had it. Okay, but yeah, he loves leaf bread is got a big nose for finally bread for him. Then there's meat hook. He steals meat with a hook. He sounds terrifying. Oh, he is terrifying. There's my favorite candle stealer. He follows children around in the dark so he can steal their candles and eat them mean? Yeah, so basically he's like a little creepy guy is going to run up and take your candle and leave you in the dark with candles stealer, your candle. How has there
not been like a legitimate horror movie about these Krampus a couple years ago.
So you might think that these were just to teach kids how to behave. No these were just pranks and some sorts of sort of, like basically excuse for adults in this behavior rather children's kingdom. I love it. I didn't I didn't see if that was confirmed or not. That was just one person's opinion. But I kind of wish it was true. And of course, these guys sound adorable and cute, but not really. They were also homicidal maniacs in mythology, they would murder people. It kind of be so bad that in 1746, the king of Denmark actually passed a law to stop people in Iceland from terrifying their children with these tales because it was breaking kids. They were so scared all of this stuff, they wouldn't leave home. They were just like neurotic messes, and they had to make a law in 1746 aka, Hey, why don't we invent the sweatshops? 1746 of course recently the you will lads in the UK have gotten kind of satisfied. They're less horrifying and work you
just like my tom toms or whatever they were.
Yeah. So you will as of instead of playing pranks, they still play play pranks, but they also give gifts for the 13 days leading up to Christmas. There are they still have our looked like nightmare potatoes.
do their gifts relate to what they do?
No. They're just like, you leave out your shoes. And you wake up in the morning. There's like candy little stuff in your shoes.
I'd be the one like leaving fucking meat hooks my kids shoes.
Like why is there a sausage in here?
It's miserable night smells terrible.
And of course, the Yule cat is now a reminder to be generous of those less fortunate than you around Christmas. So they can have new clothes.
That's the opposite of what she does.
I know. It's like, it's like you cats like Oh, those homeless people better have new socks or the your cat's gonna eat them. So maybe you should donate some socks to the homeless.
So we're still using it as threats just trying to get people to not be decks.
Yeah, okay. Yeah, whoever gorilla is still terrifying.
Unknown Speaker 45:51
Good. It's like
stick to your guns landed. There were teachers talking about it and when like girl comes up in classroom or like they see a picture of her in a book. There are Still kids that will start crying or try and leave the room raiola up gorilla Christmas which she was talking about, I know
I need to look at a look at her pictures that Oh, she's terrible.
I think there's like artists renderings of hers where she's just like giant mountain had like moving over a cottage. But then there it is the like little mascot costume version of her. That just looks like a horrifying potato.
Same kind of imagining and it's probably completely wrong. Something between a cyclops and Grindle.
Yeah, kind of it's in that wheelhouse course, she's an old lady. So she's all hunched over. Black shawl on speaking of books that were a waste of time in high school window, because this was kind of short. I also had a little bonus session. Okay, we're gonna I'm gonna tell you about a Spanish Christmas tradition. Okay. It's called how got to or to date ago. It's the Spanish log that poops candy on Christmas.
Why is it called their uncle? I don't know.
So it's basically this log that's got a little happy face painted on it and a jaunty little pat and You spend the time leading up to Christmas giving him scrap food and covering up with a blanket to keep him warm. And then you beat him perfectly with sticks and you sing a song, and then sing the song. Oh God by singing your song and he read your translation. Okay, it's hoopla lot of Christmas. Don't poop salted Harry. They are too salty, coupe drones, they are much better.
Unknown Speaker 47:25
They're much better as Hatton's.
Yeah. I love that. So don't get me pickled herring. Yeah, give me some fucking Snickers. So
once they beat all of the candy, prove a gulag, then they proceed to burn him out about fire. So it's like half the other half love. I love everything about that. Yeah, it's really cool. This is the best part. They were asking people about, like, you know, about the origins of this. No one knows. It's like, yeah, we just do it. Like why did you start doing it
didn't even have an idea of when it became a thing?
No, not really. That sounds like a glitch in the matrix kind of thing. I think it's it's kind of related the whole you love thing. I think it's a similar job, but they're not really certain. But so just people in this region of Spain just beat candy other log Burnet. And they seen a song about us. That's awesome. We also have our Christmas traditions like we have a fat man who lives in the North Pole who makes toys with the help of slaves. And then he flies everywhere with reindeer and breaks into your house and gives them to you, but only if you've been good and he's got a list. So we've got our own weird thing. They've just got a slightly different weird thing. They just have a lot of hoops candy has I mean, like, Hey, I'm getting candy out of this. I'm not going to question that too much.
Yeah, that's kind of heavy. But however I get candy. That's why I was brought into so many bands as a child.
Oh my gosh, and all of those screaming crying children that trucker treating Rob's so are you ready for some questions? Yes. Will the modern you Will This Be On the Test? The modern one? Yes. Will the the store if you will. That's the other test.
What about the UK
I hope so she kind of has to she's part of the story and she's nice now
will to date at all
the other test. Actually, if we're talking about like a high school Spanish class, I think yes.
That would have been great for Christmas like in a Spanish class, like we're gonna talk about this Christmas tradition. And then we're going to beat some poop out of a log.
This though is just some interesting little thing that is so unique to a culture as long as they don't frame it in a way that makes it something you can make fun of people for. I think it's hard.
I would I would absolutely have to do it all in my house.
Unknown Speaker 49:32
Yeah, I might do that next Christmas.
So the like, last Christmas, I gave you my heart
this Christmas giving you a poop blog? Poop lug. Don't give me some herring. It's too salty. And Leslie, who gorilla? The other test?
It depends on the age group, but mostly now.
I feel like it should because children have to learn fear. If Iceland taught me anything.
Well, it's like if you're studying one of these languages, it would make sense for her to show up on the test.
If you're just teaching about humor. Christmas traditions around the world. Hell now gorilla, the Krampus on steroids year round.
You go Grandma, you know what you want and you're going for it. She
wants the trails of children and she will not be stopped. Her hunger is eternal. Good for her. Good for her. So what's something you learned today? The reason I get Christmas off because of Ulysses S Grant, what did you learn?
I did not know about the poop love. Yeah, that's
that was a new one to me. I was just looking at other Christmas traditions to like for my community thing like stuff I learned. It's like what they do in Spain. They realize why we didn't learn about Spain. In elementary school. I think elementary school is the perfect time to teach them about pooping log. Yeah, they don't engage kids like no, I would have. I would have been so excited. And I was like, yeah, there's a lot of food. He's like, I'm not buying you that
but you know, there'd be those Karen's of the world like, what are you teaching my baby? We don't move in this house. No, Karen's don't poop.
That's why they're so they just excrete it as rage at people who work behind desks.
Although I'll tell you I went to Target today it is the Sunday before Christmas and I went to Target everybody was being polite. Even somebody who had a problem was being polite. The girl who checked me out was so happy
to be there. I'm like, What's happened? What's happening? It was very nice. The brainwashing finally work on the people who work there, the customers, either I'll take it,
I want the customer brainwashing I
don't know where to get me. Maybe like enough people who had to work in retail at some point in their lives are shopping. And those people who've never had to are just dying off. So people who are our age are the ones who are having babies up to about
middle schoolers at this point. So they're the ones who were retail and are now buying a lot of Christmas presents. So hopefully, that hopefully people are getting nicer.
Unknown Speaker 51:42
So we haven't learned anything else.
We're not going to be opening our advent calendars today,
because we followed behind because we've been lazy and we left them upstairs and
I'm also really mad at JK Rowling. I think we create about why we're mad at. We tweeted about it. I'm really struggling with it actually. Because that was that World is my safe place. And now she's telling a certain group of people that are not allowed in and that makes me very sad. But that's just another reminder that we shouldn't hero five people's movies on the podcast a lot is your heroes will always let you down. She's let me down a really big way we stand with the people she is hurting. We stand with the trans and all the LGBT q plus community.
Yeah, I think it's one of those things where it's like you need to be able to separate the artists from their work sometime.
And amber Voldemort was the villain and his whole goal was to exclude groups of people he did not agree with, just like other bad historic figures that we will be talking to you about throughout this podcast. I also feel like we'd be remiss if we didn't say impeachment is moving forward.
Yeah. Have you he has been impeached. It's on the senate now. That's where it's gonna end. It's Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 52:45
the Senate isn't I mean, to
hear it. It has to end there. Because really, that's where it is. But yeah, remember, like what we said they don't even have to agree to hear it. Yeah. They don't have to hear any witnesses. They can take a vote the moment they open up, they don't have to do anything. Yeah, and with michinoku in charge and all these senators saying that we've been active talks about with the white house but what they want us to do, it's broken.
We have a lot of faith that people do the right thing we were up the system and that might have been a mistake,
Unknown Speaker 53:14
but we're Christmas episode that's the Christmas episode. So what do you want most for Christmas? I want most for Christmas.
Unknown Speaker 53:21
impeachment. We already
Unknown Speaker 53:23
We haven't pietschmann at home. What I want most for Christmas is a new car. I want most for Christmas. I even asked this question. I don't know red Ryder bb gun with compass in the sun. You'll shoot your eye out. Now we do legitimately need a new car guys. So tell your friends to listen to us so we can get that you know two cents per listen. We're almost into the double digits
on cents and add money.
But seriously, subscribe, like review. Have your friends do that, especially an apple podcast because that's still where it seems to really matter.
I was serious when your elderly relatives asked you to fix phones this Christmas, just go into iTunes and like give us a five star rating and a great review. That is a great way for your relatives to pay you for fixing their stuff is by helping
us and as I always say if you don't like us, you don't have to review you don't have to listen.
You don't have to be here. Oh and if you think we got something wrong or you want to correct us How can they reach us
smoke signal carrier pigeon, or those messenger boxes like and Men in Tights we are no longer accepting our roles. We also do not accept how self we are against how cells and placement of any kind and that includes your Elf on the Shelf kids.
Oh my god, Elf on the Shelf. That's a really creepy thing. I think that might be creepier than any of the gulas oh 100% moves around the house at night. It's like if Toy Story was reporting to the NSA it's
making your kids scared Santa is kind of a vague things like Santa is watching. He's not they're literally staring at you. And also like what else is your kids going to be cool? That later like are they going to be cool with their boss watching them through webcam while they work? comics they're doing a good job. Are they the ones who invented that uncomfortable toilet to increase productivity
at work? The toilet the sweat so those were like you can't get away from work for 10 goddamn minutes in silence and peace
that was made in England. I feel like it would violate the American Disabilities Act because that a slightly different height than a standard toilet and if you have gastrointestinal problems, back problems, leg problems, anything like that and you cannot effectively move you have a lawsuit, bro.
Oh, it's always going to take is one like extra greasy employee sliding off that they can break this tailbone you got a lawsuit. So we know
you can actually find us on Twitter at on the test pod on email@example.com slash on the test pod or at on the test pod.com. We also have an email address, but you can just use our contact form on the website. We also don't check the email. So reach out to us on the socials. We should really get an Instagram gonna be like the cool kids.
That was the worst time to put up our super cool Harry Potter office on Instagram.
It'll just be pictures of
the cats pictures of cats everyone loves
a snake, snake, snake snake spaghetti. She hangs out next doesn't every podcast she actually likes to get up and judge us and we have efficient in Captain because he looks like the Captain Planet your mother a part of it looks happy and part of listening. So you'll get pictures of our pets and I guess we could probably find relevant things.
Maybe we can dress up our cats historic costumes. So keep an eye on our social media. I'll probably make an Instagram so we can be like the cool kids. I'm gonna make a sheep coat club costume sheep coat closet that will use the Ulemas peg legs.
Okay. I just kept about this. I didn't understand you. She clawed yet fezzik has three legs. He has 10 minutes until food time we actually need to go we gotta
go. We gotta go.
We gotta recording. So folks this holiday season no matter what you celebrate, or if you celebrate nothing at all. Be nice to each other. Be safe. Don't drink too much beer, especially if you're planning on driving. And if you do drink too much like lifted Uber or cheap, be nice, be safe, be really good to the people who work behind counters.
Unknown Speaker 57:09
Yes. And with that
Class dismissed Happy Holidays, holidays.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai